When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
