I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
pray to the hookup gods
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
