I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
