New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
