I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
