I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
