either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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