dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
