It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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