His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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