Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
