That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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