I didn't shave. On purpose
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
