So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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