3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
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