I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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