jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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