just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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