first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
How's work?
Spinning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Text me some of your sweat
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