Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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