I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
