Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
