Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
not ubering you a puppy
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