I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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