I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The best revenge is premature balding
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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