seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
