Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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