I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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