I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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