so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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