she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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