hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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