They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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