Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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