I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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