That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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