she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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