why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
