mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
