So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
