So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
