So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
