First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
