if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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