I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
