I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
