if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
