yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
