I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
