Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
