Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day â¤ï¸
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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