Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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