Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize