I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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