the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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