alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
