On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
