I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
