mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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