Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
