I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
