Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Who died my cat blue again?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
