hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
