Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
