remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
false alarm. still invincible.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
