Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
